Dear Mr. Spider #5

Dear Mr. Spider,

You just could not hold back temptation, could you? I was just eating corn and peacefully reading online about apartments. No, I wasn’t reading about how to eradicate Mr. Spiders from Earth. You missed the other several days that I have been doing that research in my free time (it is sort of like a hobby now).

Did you think I would not see you? Surely the tiny movement occurring between my face and the computer monitor was a big tip off. Yes indeed, you were fairly noticeable, even from the other side of the room in which I suddenly appeared to be upon your detection.

I was happy to catch you the other day in the shower in my pre-shower inspection. I would much rather find you this way. The surprise attacks make me far less settled about our living situation and does make me reconsider having you as a roommate.

Don’t you know I am very busy today? But no.. you had to come down and invade my universe while I was eating. Don’t you have your own little universe to reside in (that of every location other than the one that I am occupying at any given time)? You already have dominating rights to the ceiling at all hours of the day and you seem to be battling with me over sovereignty of the bathroom. Can’t we just agree that the 12 feet surrounding my face is my personal space and you aren’t allowed to invade there?

Lost: Appetite.
Found: A Tiny Mr. Spider.

Disgruntled roommate,

Posted in Mr. Spider | Tagged , | 1 Comment

You are here.

Hello, I am here.

My apologies for a long break from writing. Between the holidays and things going on with family and life I just found myself unable to get much quiet time to write.

Right now I am in the process of preparing for some big changes in life. I have been packing and expect to move (again) in the near future. This will be my 6th move. I’m getting really good at this whole moving thing.

I will try to explain at a later date more of that and many other things when the time comes.

I do hope that you are having a good new year and that you are getting where you need to be these days.

I seem to always have such bad luck so I can’t say it’s been a good start for me. I hope though it will be a good ending. Only time will tell.

Anyways, I just wanted to mention.. I am still around, just not having the time I want to spend here. Hopefully I will have some great things to tell you all real soon. And of course hopefully I will be able to write more regularly in the near future. Thanks for sticking with me in the meantime.

Until then.. keep on keepin’ on.


Posted in Life | Comments Off on You are here.

Foggy World

I got lost for a while and somehow did not find much time to write here this past month. I guess that is how it may go, sometimes I may write five or six posts in a week and sometimes I might be absent for a little while. Do not worry though, if I am to be done with this project I will write a post saying so, otherwise I will always eventually return.. though hopefully more frequently than I have lately.

Something I would like to note is that I know the comment Captcha is a pain, I will try and loosen that up. It is so strict because the moment I started this blog I received so much spam and still do. So when you are writing a comment, be sure your comment goes through otherwise I cannot post it or reply to it.

Icey, I have a couple of your replies but they were caught by the filter so I cannot post them because the Captcha was not entered right. I write to you specifically because I know you read often and there are a few of them that did not go through. I can read them, but they are stuck in a spam filter that I can not publish from. I always appreciate your comments.

I like poetry, I imagine I have mentioned that. I write poetry as well, someday I may publish my own here. For today though, I offer you another poem that caught my eye that said just the right things at just the right moment.

This cloud that I walk through.
It is foggy out this morning.
I don my coat and walk the misty lane.
Trees loom out of the lurking fog,
sprinkling dew drops in a silver rain.

The sun is a hazy globe,
the air is tinged with morning dew
and I am at peace with the world,
alone, in this cloud that I walk through.

Hedgerows, cocooned in frosty webs,
thin ice crunching beneath my feet,
and my breath casts crystals in the air
and the dew on my tongue is cool and sweet.

I pause and look around,
a sea of grass, brittle in the freezing air,
a white capped arctic ocean,
soon to disappear.

I am happy in this foggy world,
my imagination is wild and free
and in ghostly wisps of drifting fog,
the child within, runs wild in me.

Ambrose Harte = Scattered Thoughts

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Life, Facebook and Other Randomness

It’s 5am and time to write out some randomness.

Random thoughts for today…

Surgery Update
As you may or may not have read in a previous post I had surgery last month. It was not major surgery, but it was surgery that needed to happen before I got much sicker and the infection got much worse.

I am happy to say today that the hole in my body from the surgery has finally healed and closed up entirely. It healed well and without complications. I took very good care of it the surgeon said, so thankfully in that I avoided any infections that could have happened in the process.  I have a large scar in it’s place. I am happy to not be taking care of it on a constant basis and to be bleeding constantly as I was before the surgery. It also made me very sick for a while, as the infection was in my body and causing me all sorts of problems.

Now that it’s healed up, I’ve had some bouts of nausea, vomiting and sickness that may or may not be related to the recovery, but overall I am doing much much better.

I do have a Facebook page for, I do not post on it very much. In truths I am not entirely sure what I want to post there, but I know from following other pages that I do not want to be annoying to the people that follow the page. So when I do post, I try not to post too much to read or too often. People like to glance over things, not read a novel and they don’t like to be bombarded with too much stuff either.

On a related topic though.. I have had a personal facebook page for around seven years now but I am not a very active facebooker. I post jokes, repost other page posts, funny stuff mostly and sometimes news. Occasionally I post pics from games I play or other related things. Usually I just repost funny things I see from other places or gaming stuff. I am not one of those people that keeps a live journal on facebook of my personal every day life. Sometimes I write something, but mostly I just chat privately with friends for more personal topics.

There is one thing about me that doesn’t seem so common with others, is that I do take the term “friends” literally and only add people that I know and trust and would call a friend on some level. I don’t add people that I do not talk to on a regular basis and essentially don’t add anyone I don’t know.

I am a very private person by nature – which is kind of a funny thing to say for someone who blogs about their personal life on occasion and blogged for many years when I was younger too.

In that, I occasionally get requests from people who want to be on my personal facebook page. This comes in email and through the facebook page.

I have thought a lot about this topic and am not so sure I want to open my personal page up to the entire world to be on there for various reasons. I know people are just being kind and sincere in their requests and are probably very nice people. I just don’t know really how to go about that. I have made friends through who are on that list of friends though, people I have known for years and chatted in email and on the chat boards for a long time when I had them up and running. I am not even sure why anyone is interested in truths. Most of what I write goes here in the blog. I do not do much writing on facebook and the things I do talk about.. I’m not so sure would interest people since I am into things now that I do not/have not talked about much before on the site. It is a topic for me to think about. If you have thoughts on that, feel free to comment below.

Mr. Spider Origins
Speaking of Facebook, my original first writings about Mr. Spider started on facebook about three years ago. I would write these funny posts for friends and they were such a big hit with people. These letters to Mr. Spider began when I moved to a location that has more spiders than usual and still does.

All of the stories you read, while edited to be dramatically humorous, are actually based off of real things that have happened to me in my encounters with various spiders. I decided to gather up all of my previous stories I wrote on Facebook and publish them here for others to enjoy, while writing new ones as I have new encounters with spiders.

I have gotten only good responses about the Mr. Spider posts and intend to keep writing more of them and keep publishing them, hopefully at least once per month.

I seem to write about mostly serious topics here on the blog, so I think some humor to break up the seriousness is a nice thing indeed.

Spicy Soup
I know this is pretty random, but I love spicy foods. I have recently added Ghost Pepper sauce to my list of things I eat on a regular basis, that is how much I love spice. That stuff is amazing, I might add. I also have always enjoyed cup of noodles soup – I know I know.. it has very little nutritional value but it is just one of those Things I enjoy.

In that, combining spice and noodle soup is definitely a happy thing for me. So I have to mention a soup I tried only a couple of months back but I have really grown fond of it. I am having it for breakfast right now as I write this post so you know.. I can’t help but to write about it. Nongshim Shin Noodle Black is a cup of noodles that is amazing and outstanding. The creamy spice flavoring is one of my favorites I have ever tasted. Definitely not for someone who is sensitive to spice though, it has a nice spicy hot flavor to it. For my taste buds it is perfect, but if a person doesn’t normally have spicy things I am not so sure they would enjoy it.

Anyway, I just had to mention my most favorite soup of the moment. Fall is here and winter is well on the way so I am especially enjoying having soup at this time of the year.

In Closing…
Overall, things are going okay for me. I have been meditating, which has helped with some of my anxieties, and I also try to stay focused on more positive things in life and the things I am grateful for in this world. I try to keep a distance from poisonous people and am holding close to my heart those that are true friends.

I have dreams and wants for the future, that is something I have not had for many years. Some people suck the life out of you, unfortunately my health and energy bar was drained away for a long time before I realized things needed to change.

It is my sincerest desire to make the next 35 years happier and more fulfilling than the first 35 years of my life. In 2011 everything changed. In 2012 everything changed again and I might add.. for the better of everything. Life has begun. I still have a lot to work through, but I am not walking into my future blind.. nor am I walking into my future alone.

Enough of me for now.

A little reminder to live a little.. be unique, be different, don’t conform. Paint your art on a canvas in the dark, eat your soup with a fork, wear your slippers out to your favorite restaurant, and most definitely… take care of yourself and those you love.


“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson



Posted in Life, Mr. Spider, Randomness | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

One of Many

In 2009 or abouts that year, I met a friend named GDC in an massive multi-player online role playing game – World of Warcraft specifically.  While separated in several years of age difference, we connected on humor and good conversation. He always sounded so sincere with everyone in my gaming group, he was polite and considerate, he was helpful and also a good listener. So in time, I considered him my friend. Overall, I felt like he was really great guy, smart, and a good person at heart.

As years passed, my life changed and in that the friendships in the game we all played changed. Many people left my life without so much of a goodbye, all due to the lies told by another person who decided to paint me in whatever brush strokes suited his life at the time to turn people against me.

Regardless of the stories the liar told, GDC stuck by my side. He was one of my friends that did not believe the lies, he was there for me, we had a lot of great memories during a very difficult time in my life. We played the game and did many things there. We chatted outside the game, texted and voice chat, I considered him a great friend. I even made a video about the experiences we had in Warcraft because we just had that much fun.

You see, a person really finds out who their real friends are during bad times. The bad time for me I speak about is my divorce. I felt like GDC, along with a handful of others, were actually real friends who understood me and realized that the person who caused me so much pain and suffering was really an awful person.

Without going into detail, I must say that surely by now all of those people realize the truth of those lies because certain events did happen to prove that later on.

Anyway, one morning I woke up to find that my so-called friend had completely ditched me to be hang out with the person that lied so much about me. Just like that, over night, GDC was gone. I had sent him food during a time he was depressed, I had spent holidays online with him to keep him company, we had laughs and what I felt was a good friendship. Yet he betrayed me.

One of my real friends, who I might add is still one of my dearest friends in this life, told me that some day GDC would regret that. Someday GDC would realize the truth and return.

Humorously, GDC eventually did return. He made a half-assed effort at an apology in 2013.

Seriously, too little too late. You walk out on me during a time in my life when I needed someone most, you betray me, back stab me, and suddenly you want me to trust you again? I am no fool. I am not a carpet who will be walked all over. I have grown so much stronger than you can imagine. My life has changed, and I might add, for the better. I cannot nor will I ever forgive you, GDC. I am most definitely far more choosey about who I spend my time on in this life and who I consider to be a real friend. A real friend does not walk away from someone during a time like that. While some other situations it might have totally been forgivable, this one absolutely was not.

I miss you, but I miss the you that you were when I met you, not the you you became when you showed your true colors to me. Life is too short to waste on people who are rainy day friends who only show up when it benefits them and disappear the moment it’s more fun to be in another place.

I have real friends now, not people from a game world who will log out and forget I’m a real person¹. I have friends who know me as I really am who don’t judge me, who understand me in ways that absolutely no one in this life has before. People who have not turned their back on me just because I’m not all fun and games 24/7. I’m a real person, with real feelings, I’ve been through a lot, and I refuse to let people who have caused me suffering back into my life. Thanks for the memories, GDC.. have a nice life.

“The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.”
~Julliete Lewis

¹This is not to say that all gaming friends aren’t real friends, I still have some very good friends who are gamers.


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Dear Mr. Spider #4

Dear Mr. Spider,

You know generally I stay out of your way and you stay out of mine. This is an unspoken rule and I do my best to abide by it. Yet, why is it that you find a need lately to get close to me?

I do not want to be close to you.
I do not want to hang out with you.
I do not want to cuddle with you.
I do not want to be within the same 534km of you.

Generally, I would prefer if we both lived happy lives on completely different planets.

So when you decide that you want to slide down your webbing and snuggle against my shoulder, you should not expect me to cuddle back.

I especially do not cuddle Mr. Spiders when I am wearing my birthday suit.

I realize that ‘your’ swimming pool was near by, but at the moment I was using it. It is not a multi-user device, you know. This is a single occupant pool and I was here first.

The reaction you should expect from me is not at all like cuddling but is realistically more like what happened today – pretty much me turning into a human windmill whose arms are twirling at warp speed in an effort to propel myself away from you and you away from me as fast as possible.

It is enough that I check the shower every time before I go in, but now I must make a full bathroom sweep.

I am most impressed that after my shower I spotted you again. How did you get back so fast after I sent you swimming? I saw you crawling along the wall and I saw you first, so back into the pool you went. I realize that you have super powers, but I can tell you have been working on organizing faster respawns so you can return from your swims quicker.

Maybe the water wasn’t to your liking this time?

Anyways, please.. no more cuddling.


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Just a quick post for today.

I do enjoy poetry.. writing it and reading it. So today I wanted to share a poem I found online that I have felt some connection with. While some people might have a guess at the reason why, my reaction would be.. it’s not that, it’s something else. That is for another time though.  Hope you enjoy.

There are times in your life when you find 
yourself in middle of nowhere.
With hundred thoughts yet blank 
Having to speak but no words..
Wanting to hold but no hands
Willing to stay but no reason
feel like crying but no tears

When it’s still alive. Everything. 
Like it happened yesterday. 
and then today everything just falls apart. 
When everyone leaves but you miss the one. 
When words are just not enough. 
When your place in their life seems blurred.

Its tiring. Its exhausting. Its harder. Everyday.
when “ I’m okay “ no more works. 
Coz deep down in there, it hurts. Badly.

When you are trying. You are trying coz its hurting now.
Because there’s a hope that maybe someday it won’t hurt. 
Maybe someday it won’t be hard.
That some day everything will be Okay! You’ll be Okay !!

And one day,
you stop pushing yourself. Stop trying. 
You just lie down and breathe.
You are not changed, but drained. 
You are not mad but hurt!
but even then you just manage to smile…

“Am I still Waiting?”
By Shipra Sahu ©
Life & Poetry 2014

Posted in Life, Poetry | Tagged , | Comments Off on Blurred

Thick Skin

When someone is in charge of any sort of medium that interacts with an audience, customer base or really any other people then it is expected that the person running the show will have a certain amount of understanding that not everyone you present your project to is going to agree with you. In fact, some right rip you to shreds over it.

For example I run this website and I know that not everyone is going to agree with what I say here, I will not always write about things that everyone enjoys, I may not talk about things people wish I talked about, and so on. I can not please everyone all the time. That is just part of life, right?

This is true also in businesses, professional environments and personal project environments. It is just how things go.

I have several email addresses, some connected to this website and many of them are not. I keep them for various reasons and sort out what places I use them for, for specific reasons. What can I say, I hate spam.

I have been online since the mid-1990’s before the internet became a huge thing and everyone got online. I was here before Google, Amazon and in the day when it was the average every day nerd that had websites – not companies. I was one such nerd.

This gives you enough background to understand my thoughts on something that happened recently. Don’t worry I’m going to tie this all together.

Before the days of Amazon and in a time when the Blink tag was a thing, Mailing Lists were also a thing. These were in many forms, such as group conversations between many people on one topic, to very formal newsletters being sent out from one person to several hundred. I used to be on several mailing lists back in those days.

I went in search recently to see if some of those mailing lists still exist. In that, I found that a couple of them are still around and still doing their thing. They make money by writing stories and inserting ad space into their articles. They often use third party services to handle their mail processing.

The email address I planned to use was one I do not normally use for such things, in fact it is an email address I have hardly used for anything over the years but only recently started using it again. So I went against my better judgment and signed up for two of those mailing lists feeling like I could trust them.

Naturally that means I made a mistake. The spam rolled in the following day. Luckily I have good filters on that account. Still, this bothered me.

One of them I trusted more than the other, and I cannot say why without getting specifically into it, but lets just say that they felt more trustworthy because of the type of subject matter they cover and that I was very familiar with them. I had been with them from the start in days of old and through many email addresses. They shutdown for reasons unknown but now that they are back I am still with them. Somehow I managed to not miss anything over the years because they were out of commission during the same amount of time I was not subscribed because of email changes.

Anyways, I decided to unsubscribe from the other list, the one I felt had possibly sold my email address to spam companies.

When I unsubscribed there was a comment box asking why I was leaving. I stated the following:

Because I’ve had that email address for years with no spam, then suddenly.. spam right after I sign up to this. No thanks.

I was not trying to be rude. I was honest and to the point. I did not swear, nor was I trying to write defensively. I knew the situation was my own fault. But I did state the reason, that I felt they were the reason I was getting spam. They had the comment box there for that reason, so I simply put in my thoughts.

I will say that this particular mailing list is one that has been going for longer than ten years. They seem to have a good enough reputation. However the evidence just really pointed elsewhere for me. Coincidence? I do not know, I can not be 100% sure. But the timing sure felt like it was.

Now if someone is running a mailing list of over ten years it is probably safe to assume they have received many offensive comments, many rude readers and other such conflict. I know this from personal experience as I did once run a newsletter for this website for a while some years ago and having this website online for 17 years has also been An Experience. It is an experience that at times does require a person to have thick skin.

You can’t make everyone happy all the time. That’s just a part of life.

And, most importantly, you should not include a comment box on your page if you can not handle getting feedback that is negative or less than praise. If you ask for feedback from me, you will get an honest answer, that is just how I am.

So a couple of days later I get a reply from the owner of that mailing list. I figured he would link his privacy policy or state I was wrong in some manner or another. After all, I might be, I have no real proof that he sold my email address. The timing was very coincidental to me. But what if some company from 3 years ago I signed up with just recently sold my email address to a spam company? Who knows for sure, right?

I open the email to get his reply. I apologize but because I can not prove anything one way or another I am keeping the name of the company and website involved in this private for the sake of making an important point in this blog. This is the reply he sent me:

Please see: [link to privacy policy]

There is NO WAY I could be in business for 20 years with a sterling reputation if I was criminal enough to sell customer e-mail addresses. THINK about it!

It took me 2 seconds to discover where your leak was: you posted your address [name of hobby website, website is linked]. Duh.

I wrote back to him explaining that there is a portion of my email account name that is used in an forum name on that hobby website. That if he clicks into the link he posted, he would see that it is not at all my email address, but just a portion part of my email that is used as a posting name.

For example (just randomness, not real email): If someone uses the email address JoanLovesGinjiDude1234@[whatever].net and if said person uses the username JoanLovesGinji on a forum – that does not mean their email address was posted. They just use a part of their email address in a forum name.

If that person had bothered to actually click into the link they tried to use to prove a point, they would see plain as day I did not post my email address on that hobby site. I am not an idiot. I have been online since the 1990’s and do not at all post my email address anywhere.

They clearly were just trying to make a point, without properly researching to see that their example was wrong. But anger and knee-jerk reactions does that to a person.

Not only was his response rude but also very unprofessional. Telling me to “THINK about it” and using “Duh” but not even bothering to look at what he posted back to me or he would see he had no point at all. I know for a fact this person is older than me, yet their reply sounded very childish, not like someone who is running a business.

A quick response like his with the words he used and not bothering to even check out the source he posted puts a focus on him replying in an emotional fashion and not at all thinking clearly. It surprises me to get such an emotional response to what I said. This is the internet were rudeness runs rampant and hiding behind an anonymous name allows a person to swear and say whatever they please. What I said was very tame and to the point. Surely, he has gotten more offensive comments than mine.

I did reply back to him. I clarified to him the point about the email not being posted. I also apologized for my hasty comment in my unsubscribe to his list in that I could not prove it was actually his list that started the spam I was getting, that it could have been another list. I left it at that. I did not comment on his behavior. I figured if he really was ragging on me for such a non-aggressive comment to the unsubscribe than he must be having a bad day or something, so I just was neutral and let it be. No need to fan the fire, people with tempers are not worth aggravating further.

Did I reply in anger? Rudeness? With swear words? With Duh in my post? Nope. Not at all. I even admitted the possibility that I could have been wrong, because quite frankly I could be as mentioned above. We are all human.

And now though I will get to the point here…

Do I have something to sell? Is my career based on a website and mailing lists? Do I sell books on amazon and have ads in my mailing list? Nope. I am sadly not a successful person in that way. However he is… if I was such a person, then I perhaps would consider being kinder to the people that write to me because even if I disagree with them, maybe some day they might end up buying my stuff and supporting my business. Politeness goes a long way, people can still disagree but come to a neutral point.

AND… if I did not have thick skin, could not handle the criticism, did not like people disagreeing with me, or people unsubscribing from my mailing list for either real reasons or assumed reasons… I most certainly would not put a comment box asking people to tell me why they unsubscribed.

But that is the very situation that he is in.

In light of writing this article I greatly considered using this persons name, however I am not one such person that wishes to began a war with someone who has an obvious temper. Instead I looked around online and funny enough… there are enough people out there writing blogs about this guy and upset with this guy to make up for me not saying who it is.

I also felt that in light of that situation, that there is a greater point to be made in all of this..

My point of this all is to say that behavior towards others online matters when your entire lifestyle, career and business is entirely built online. I believe that you reap what you sow and karma will come to those that behave in such ways.

I also would like to say that behavior towards others online matters in other situations like informational, friendly, casual, on websites, on forums, in live chats on streaming sites.. it all matters how you treat your fellow man.

At the end of the day I have to say that the most awesome friends I have are the ones I have online. I’ve never had better friends than those that I have right now. In 2012 I flew to California to meet one, who is moving near where I live and I may get to see them on a more regular basis soon. This is a friendship that started online and feels like a life long friendship now.

How a person treats others online matters, be it in business or casual conversation, to strangers or to friends.. because you never know when a stranger may become a customer.. or a friend.. or a significant other even.

And really, that is my whole point of posting this. In a world of internet anonymity.. behavior still does matter. We are all human behind the keyboard.

That’s it for me, until next time.. love yourself, and each other.



Posted in Life, Observations | Tagged , , | 2 Comments


To start I would like to say that this blog will return to more regular updates real soon. Life keeps throwing me into the ditch and so I have not been able to blog as much as I want to. Also I have been blogging a lot about life, instead of about more interesting topics. That will even out in time. I do have a few things that have been written and drafted out but not finished. I hope to get back to them real soon.

However, today’s blog is another personal entry.

Note: This post details some of what happened with my surgical procedure. I will try not to be graphic, but if you are sensitive to medical descriptions like I am, this is my warning to you that this post could make you uncomfortable.

I had my surgery on Thursday. I am doing okay.

Leading up to the day of the surgery I had to take some antibiotics. While I am normally quite tolerant to most medications, that particular antibiotic made me very sick. I had severe headaches, stomach pains, constant nausea, muscle pains, no energy and bouts of depression. I looked up the medication and I found I had pretty much all of the common side effects, except the allergy side effects. Since I was not having an allergic reaction I continued to take the pills until the night before the procedure.

Because of how sick I was feeling, I could not stomach that pill further and decided I had to stop taking it and could not take it ever again. Since I made that decision, I was able to sleep better that night. While the sickness continued I could tell that things were already getting better as time passed and the side effects eased up.

On Thursday August 7th, I went downtown to see the surgeon and got there with a good thirty minutes of lead time. However, there were complications with the person before me and thus I ended up waiting almost an hour to get in. That is fine, I like a doctor that does not rush for the sake of time but takes care of their patients and wants to get things done right.

I had taken an anxiety pill ahead of time, so while normally I would have felt much panic and anxiety, instead I felt pretty relaxed and ready to get in and get this taken care of.

When I was called back, I was led into a room with a bed covered in white sheets and a small pillow. I took off my shirt, leaving on my tank top, and I removed my shoes and was instructed to lay down on my back with my arm up exposing the left armpit with the infection. A sheet was put over me.

I explained to the surgeon the situation with the antibiotic and he felt that I made the right decision. I had taken it long enough for it to have the effect that was intended. The size of the infection was down and ready to be removed, so it turns out that the decision was a good one for both me and him.

It was explained to me that I would not be put to sleep, instead I would be numbed up with anesthetic and the infected skin and tissue would be removed.

I was also warned that the initial shots would be very painful.

I must say all along I have felt this surgeon is extremely nice and very knowledgeable about his profession. I was misdiagnosed before by another doctor and another surgeon before meeting this particular surgeon. He knew exactly what was wrong within minutes. So going into this procedure I felt much confidence in this surgeon.

Some towels and plastic coverings were placed around the infected area. The large moveable lamp above the bed was adjusted and the surgeon talked to me while he began. He let me know kindly everything that was happening and warned me before pain.

When the first few little shots of anesthetic were injected I felt like it was totally fine. It hurt, but it was nothing to what I feared it would be. I started thinking to myself that this would not at all be that bad. All of those thoughts quickly vanished when he put the larger needle into, what felt like, directly into the infection.  I was warned it ahead of time there would be a hot injection. I have not felt that kind of pain in a very long time and I cannot find words to correctly describe how awful that felt. It felt like someone had set my nerves on fire. It caused me to cry out in agony, it was awful.

Luckily the pain quickly disappeared in less than a minute as the anesthetic took its effect on my nerves.

At that point he mentioned I would feel pressure but I should not feel pain and to say if I do feel any pain. He took out the scalpel and started cutting into me and I felt it and told him I felt the pain, so he had to do further injections of anesthetic on me.

He said to me he put so much in that I could probably feel it dripping down the side of my body now. I told him I could not feel anything at all, no dripping or anything, so I felt I was ready to go!

After that I literally felt nothing except movement and pressure. I heard yucky sounds of snipping, cutting and stuff being put on a tray. Tools being used and exchanged. Brief words spoken between the nurse and the surgeon. For the most part he worked on me. Between the anesthetic and the anxiety pill, I felt just fine and relaxed. I could have been sitting at home enjoying life, except of course for the man hovering over my armpit.

What an awkward place really. I can think of many other awkward places for an infection though. It is right in the crevice of my armpit where it folds, making it a difficult location. I was told ahead of time that I would not be sewn back up, instead it would be left open in such a way that my body could heal from the inside out. Closing the wound would allow the infection to be reintroduced and I would have to be cut open again. So instead I would have to take careful care of it at home while it healed.

After only about twenty minutes the surgeon let me know I was almost finished, but he explained to me that he had to stop the “little bleeders” before he could bandage me up. The surgeon held his hand on my wound while waiting to get setup for the next part. The nurse brought in a machine. I did not actually see the machine, but I heard it being brought in and set up. The nurse seemed new to the machine so she had to fiddle with it a bit and asked some questions about it. A flat cold material was attached to the skin on my stomach. It had a flat surface with some wires sticking out of the top leading to, I assume, the machine.

Google tells me this machine is used for Cauterization. This is the process in which flesh is burned to stop the bleeding. I still do not know what the thing on my stomach was for in connection to this.

The surgeon turned on the machine and held to me what looked like a thick long pen-like device.  He activated it and a swishing sound was heard. Then he used it on me. I smelt the smell of my own burning flesh and long thick strands of grey smoke rose above me within my view. He worked on it for a short while and then declared that finished.

He bandaged me up and explained the home care process. I would need plenty of gauze, two bottles of peroxide and paper medical tape. I had to clean and rinse the wound twice a day, pour peroxide on it, then cover it with gauze and tape it securely. I needed the peroxide to be fresh as it loses potency after being opened, so after two weeks I will have to change bottles. I need to do this for a solid month and come in for another appointment. I do not have to take any further antibiotics. I can take over the counter pain medications for pain. I was not to start this process until Friday though, that I needed to leave the current bandages on for a day.

His nurse was instructed to give me a sampling of tape and gauze and instructions for me. After the surgeon finished with me, his nurse came back into the room with a bag. She said she had given me enough stuff for a whole month, that I would just have to buy the peroxide. What a kind person she was been to me.

In all honesty, everyone at that facility had been consistently very kind to me and I feel like I really got the best surgeon I could have for this whole situation. He was brilliant, professional and so kind to me and so was the nurse. I am so thankful for that.

I put on my shirt and shoes, noting a huge bandage under my arm but still unable to feel anything, and walked out of the room. Well I hobbled out. My body was in shock. My hands and legs were uncontrollably shaking, I was very unsteady and feeling quite a bit fuzzy. I guess while my mind was relaxed from the anxiety pill, my body was not at all relaxed and had a huge jolt of adrenaline and shock. This made it rather difficult to walk.

Luckily I had a family member with me and they drove me to the store and picked up my peroxide, then they drove me home and dropped me off.

I talked with my roommates for a while, but they noted I was dozing off mid-conversation. I headed down to the computer and let my online friends know I was doing okay. I was fighting sleep at every step. What should have taken about 2-3 minutes took around 20 for me. Between the shaking and the exhaustion, I was having a difficult time keeping my thoughts together. Eventually I made it to the bedroom and I do not even remember changing clothes and crawling into bed.

Around four hours later I woke up and I felt like I had had the best sleep I had gotten all week long. I was still numbed up from the anesthesia so I could feel nothing still. So other than stomach discomfort that I always seem to have these days, I felt like a million bucks.

I noted as the day went on the bandages got more and more soaked with blood. The surgeon mentioned I might bleed, but I would just need to apply pressure and let it be. I was not worried, I had not seen the wound yet, but I felt okay.

That night I went to bed and hoped I would sleep clear through the night. Instead I slept a few hours and woke up in discomfort. My nerves were alive and well it seems.

I also felt very sick. Again. Every day all week long I had felt sick from the antibiotics and again still I was waking up feeling sick. At 5am I crawled out and looked at the bandage in the mirror. It was clearly very soaked through with blood. I felt it was time to face the situation and take care of it.

I pulled off the bandage slowly. The tape made red marks all along my skin and caused me pain all by itself. As the wound was slowly exposed to air, my nerves woke up even more. The pain had arrived.

As soon as I saw the wound my stomach turned. I started sobbing. I have such sensitivity to medical things. I have never seen anything like this before on my body. I do not know what I expected, I guess I was thinking it would be smaller. Instead I have a neatly cut round hole that goes an inch into my body, a finger could easily go into it. A pit in my armpit.

The surgeon had cut it this way to avoid it from healing together in a way that would cause it to heal unevenly. The wound needs to heal from the inside deepest point up to the top. It needs to fill itself in as it heals.

I tossed away the bloody bandages and started the shower. If I had thought the air awakened my nerves, I was definitely not prepared for the water. I chose lukewarm water on the colder side. When the water ran over it, that is when I felt real pain.

I stood in the shower like that for several minutes letting the water wash out the wound. I could not touch it, everything hurt so much, I just had to let the water clean it best I could.

I had two large bottles of peroxide, however we got a peroxide squirt bottle as well. The surgeon had instructed me to pour the peroxide on, but because of the angle I had to find a different way to achieve that so the squirt bottle was the answer to that.

I clenched my teeth and aimed the bottle for the hole in my body. I knew this would be bad. I squirted it on several times as fast as I could. It was awful, painful, my nerves were very alive and protesting hard. It burned like hell.

I washed the excess peroxide off my body, but left it on the wound and stepped out of the shower. I called down my roommate, a retired nurse, who examined me and declared that while it looked awful to me it was in very good condition and uninfected. She helped me dress the wound and tape me up.

Once covered I felt better again. The nerves were calm and the pain was dulled. After dealing with the infection for months I was used to chronic pain in that location, so a bit of pain was bearable.

The rest of the day I slept. I could not stop sleeping. I felt sick still, my energy zapped and I felt weak. I needed recovery time. This hit my body harder than I expected, I really did not know my body would be in such shock. I was not expecting that.

Today is Saturday, it has only been a couple of days. I have discovered that while very few people have sensitivity to paper medical tape, my skin is very sensitive to it. I have red painful marks from it all around the wound. We are working on a solution for that situation. We are trying different bandaging methods. This is a month long situation, so I need to find something that works.

I have changed the bandage only three times now. I can tell you that each and every time is horribly painful. I assume that this will ease up as the days pass and eventually it will not be such a painful ordeal. Thankfully though, the every day pain between bandage changes is dull and bearable.

At least now things are healing. The infection is gone and my body is healing and this is progress in the right direction. I am still having bouts of sickness, but it is not the same nausea and awfulness that I had with the antibiotic. My body is just dealing with all of this and I can live with that.

So anyway, that is what is going on in my life and that is why I really have not been writing here so much lately. Between Listeria, the storm, and this I have been busy feeling sick or being sick.

I have gone through a lot lately and really am hoping that some good stuff will find its way to me soon. I count my blessings and never stop appreciating the wonderful things, but I honestly could use a round of good stuff to offset this round of bad stuff.

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Dear Mr. Spider #3

Dear Mr. Spider,

First off: that was not funny!

Yesterday I was going to write you a letter but I got distracted. The letter was going to congratulate you on your increased stealth skills and your most excellent cloaking device you have implemented lately. I had not seen you for a good five days and it was starting to feel a bit.. quiet.. around here.

Knowing that all Mr. Spiders have super powers and yours is obviously mind reading, you knew I was planning to write that letter. Of course you could not disappointment me by letting me think you were possibly gone even if the letter never got published, but you did wait long enough for me to start feeling.. safe.

Very sneaky.

Being that I have been feeling comfortable without your presence, you felt it was time to end my comfort (obviously).

A short while ago I got my clothes together and decided to take a shower. I let the water run to a warm temperature and stepped in for a nice hot shower.

As I stood under the water for a few minutes my eyes, which are often unfocused and spaced out in the shower, noticed movement from above.

I tensed up as I focused on you as you slowly slide down from the ceiling on your webbing..

A side note: this is not a good stealth tactic.. black spider against white wall is pretty noticeable.

You slide down on your web with a smirk on your face, a look that shouted “I got you now!”

You decided to come very alarmingly close to my face.

This of course happened in a matter of moments and it took me until you were right next to my face for me to realize.. it was YOU.

I must say I have never exited the shower with as much speed or energy before, in fact the words “propelled out of the shower at high velocity like a speeding locomotive chasing a space shuttle while underwater in a submarine” might apply here as I was on the other side of the curtain before I knew my legs had reacted.

I stood there for a moment wondering if anyone on the floor above me had heard me cry out but no sounds came from my door.

Oh Mr. Spider.. I do hope you enjoyed your swimming lesson today. I know I sure didn’t enjoy my shower.

I say again: Not. Funny.

Less than humored,

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